A single bead of sweat ran down her back. Her breath shallow, each one taken as if her last. Back hitting the cold, unfamiliar, wooden bark. Her ears desperately searching the uninviting air, looking for any sort of movement. Heart wildly pulsating in her chest; her mind was struggling to absorb the scene she had just witnessed.
Her families' dead corpses lay at his feet. His face opaque, not effected in the slightest. His eyes black, cold and cruel. A snarl came over his brutish features. His sight of vision turned to her. She noticed the metallic glint clutched in his hand.His stare like that of a gorgon. Her feet became heavy with fear. His eyes gleaming,he motioned, slowly, cautiously, to move closer to her. Her feet, finally relieved of their enchantment, regained a new swiftness..
The image of her sister squeezing her mother's hand, clutching onto the last second of her young life, still haunting her. She urged her focus to remain on the problem at hand. He was still in that wood. He was still hunting her, like a hound would a fox. He who would strike without a flinch or second thought.
There is a very immediate sense of what is happening due to the present tense
ReplyDelete'families' is plural so you need 'family'
The simile is a nice touch.
The comma use for listing is lovely.
Are the two full stops intentional? Is it meant to be an ellipsis?
IS the tense intentional - what would this look like in past tense?
Well done, some great vocabulary and sentence control demonstrated Lowenna - I look forward to the same effort made in your assessments.
da bomb girl!!
ReplyDeleteda bomb girl indeed.
ReplyDelete