His skin began to prickle with a neat intensity; every inch of his body tingled at once, it was as if he was being stabbed with the tip of a knife a thousand times. As he struggled in pain, it was as if an artist was painting a picture but the picture had a twist, the artist painted the man laying on the floor in pain as the water from thin membranes tearing the tissue at a microscopic level and expanding. The artist then painted blood trickling down his arm and the deep red liquid from his skin was seeping through his long sleeved white cotton t-shirt. But then the artist added yet another twist to the painting, there was a knife in the man's hand; the blood had seeped from the cuts on his arms. He became so terrified that him and everyone else in the common were going to be brutally murdered by the Martians. This caused him to use the knife across his body and bleed until he had taken his own life so he is in control of how he dies , not the Martians The only thing left of him was his ashes . The man who caught sight of the troubled person laying on the floor watched as his troubled soul seeped from the body laying on the floor. A glare seeped from out the man's mouth as his soul escaped., there was a fizzing and a popping sound, the man's body disintegrated The witness of this couldn't say anything he was speechless but the ashes on the floor were the remains of his brother, a tear trickled down his cheek.
Jasmine Burton, Year 9, Graphic Description Homework.
Cool Jazz, well done. You have made a good attempt at the task. Some of the language you are using is really spot on as well: the membranes tearing the tissue.
ReplyDeleteThe use of the 'artist' confuses me and I don't think that it's needed. Also you move into use present tense verbs when you start in past tense. There's nothing wrong with the artist bits other than the artist really and I can see what you are trying to do. I would perhaps introduce a new paragraph at the point when the man realises he's better off killing himself:
'The man frantically cast his eyes about the Common and everywhere he saw men and women, children too, turning into heaps of ashes. He brought his pocket knife to his throat and as the beam took him fully in its glare he drove the blade deep into his neck, falling to the ground.'
That's an example - I hope it helps.
I love 'fizzing' and 'popping' by the way, but just remember to read your work back as there is a full stop and a comma together there and a few spaces between words and punctuation.