His skin began to prickle with a neat intensity; every inch of his body tingled at once. It was as if he was being stabbed with needles, repeatedly. Blood began to stain his white shirt, creating bright red blotches. He began shaking and fell to the ground dramatically; his limbs began convulsing, his eyes became bloodshot and wide with fear. His mouth was open, as if he was screaming but no audible sound could be heard. The skin that was visible became black and charred. All of a sudden, the shaking stopped. He lay limp and lifeless, embedded in a pool of his own blood. A gust of wind blew past and took part of him with it; his whole body was like a pile of dust. The tiny blackened remains of him danced in the wind, leaving a puddle of blood which was the only remains of the poor unfortunate victim.
this is amazing Nasha!
ReplyDeleteGreat Nash - well done!
ReplyDeleteNot sure about dramatically - it's an odd word at times and can sound funny as it is a somewhat vague adverb. Also are you sure about 'embedded'? You could also lose 'which was' in the final sentence, sunstituting a comma to give a better rythmic quality to the sentence and a sense of immediacy.
Now as for the vocabulary throughout - it's exceptional! THe images are really strong and both semi-colons have been used accurately!
Well done, I'm really pleased with this.