His skin began to prickle with a neat intensity, every inch of his body tingled at once, the gaping abyss in his body spurted the crimson red fluid. The clock was ticking for the next victim to be enveloped into the arms of the Martians. The radiation corrupting the lives of the innocent. The burning heat, scalding every inch of blistering skin, the red blotches covering the withering skin. Surrounded by lifeless corpses. Hell had opened on Earth. Shrill screeches rang never ending in my skull. The dull ache of life destroying my brain. The earth surrounding my scalded feet, torched with light, the smoldering heather dully glowing orange.
The blood that was left in the limp corpse began to curdle as the weaponry struck down the latest victim. The body writhed and wriggled, as the bodily fluid seeped out of every crevice it could find, the entirety of the damage was not yet sustained. Brains went to as slush; as if a bomb had just been detonated the grass was singed to within an inch of life. Organs ejecting out of their original places. This overwhelming heat sizzling the weak, decaying arteries. Motionless bare skeletons strewn across the blackened earth. An irreparable tear in the skin leaked the stinging blood from an aorta, killing the defenseless human being.
Every single body had been obliterated, no body laid untouched. Strewn across the common, no one stood a chance as they were weak and powerless to the Martians' heat ray.
The blood that was left in the limp corpse began to curdle as the weaponry struck down the latest victim. The body writhed and wriggled, as the bodily fluid seeped out of every crevice it could find, the entirety of the damage was not yet sustained. Brains went to as slush; as if a bomb had just been detonated the grass was singed to within an inch of life. Organs ejecting out of their original places. This overwhelming heat sizzling the weak, decaying arteries. Motionless bare skeletons strewn across the blackened earth. An irreparable tear in the skin leaked the stinging blood from an aorta, killing the defenseless human being.
Every single body had been obliterated, no body laid untouched. Strewn across the common, no one stood a chance as they were weak and powerless to the Martians' heat ray.
I like 'Shrill screeches' - would it sound better if it was extended? Something like 'Shrill screeches rang in a never-ending echo inside my skull.'
ReplyDeleteShould it be 'torched' or 'touched'?
'smoldering' should be 'smoulderin' with a U, otherwise you are using an American spelling. Good choice of word though!
'as slush' - is this intentional or is it a mistake?
This has a lot of potential. The images are obviously crafted and clear from your point of view - the tense moves around and, at times, works but becomes problematic towards the end. The choice of language is really good and the noun phrases work well.
I would like to see this in past tense, just to see you use a uniform narrative voice.
As slush is a mistake it is meant to be slush.
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