Graphic Description Homework
The tear dropped down her intimidated face, as the tremble of the igniting bomb stood in front of her. Dirt surrounded her face as the clouds were filled with ash and death, the clattering sounds of murdering machines and daunting planes filled the atmosphere with purpose. She sat there in open fire of hungry murders, she sat there filling her emotion up with enmity and disgust of the poverty and destruction man was causing.
The bomb still loitering the hospital with the ambition to convulse the wellbeing of the woman standing in death itself. Her eye was filled with a dimness of black, with a torpedo of slim light aglows the darkness as the dispatch of a bullet shined past her eye. Off her fingertip came a stand of blood dripping down to the gloomy ground, colour to unknown world, another stand of blood.
Her world was now corrupted with death and darkness, her world was now turned into the present day.
By Danny Evans.
you used words, (such as loitering,) that I never would had thought of using and it makes a huge impact of sophistication on the writing. :-)
ReplyDeleteCapital letters!
DeleteHmmm, some use of vocabulary that seems like you're trying to create an image but not quite tailoring to fit your intentions: 'intimidated', 'daunting', 'poverty', 'aglows'.
ReplyDeleteYou really need to read this back to yourself and redraft. There is significant tense confusion and syntax confusion. Syntax is the choice and ordering of words in a sentence. Come and see me if you need further guidance.